They’re a funny old lot, the Brits. Have you seen the way they are celebrating the bum of the sister of William’s Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge? You may not have. I have because I have Brit in me, and therefore I frequent the most puerile of their tabloid websites. I was raised on a diet of the most puerile of British Tabloids. It’s my intellectual comfort food. Low brow, I know. But deliciously so, and well, as you get to know me you’ll, I hope, come to realise that though my brow be low, I’m not a bad person.
Now that I have thrice said something horrible, though true about the site I won’t mention the tabloid’s name because the Brits have a talent for being vicious in retaliation to a slur. In one bit of tabloid tittle-tattle a pop singer called a journalist ‘a bitter old troll’. It was in the paper. The journalist retaliated by calling the pop singer ‘an over-privileged cry baby’. Youch! That sort of public clash doesn’t happen here in South Africa. At least, it doesn’t happen unless you are David Bullard. After being set upon by The Bullard I imagine that one probably would become a very big cry baby. I would, so please don’t tell him I said anything. He knows how to be ferociously vicious, and clever with it. But then, he’s a former Brit. You see, they have a talent for that sort of thing. Acerbic to a fault, the Brits.
So anyway, back to ‘Pippa’s Pert Posterior’.
Can you imagine your bum having its very own alliteration? I was trying to come up with an alliteration for my bum, but there isn’t one. No pilates has gone into the shaping of my bum. But then I don’t want to talk about my bum. I want to talk about Pippa’s bum because hers has been elevated in the British Tabloids to the lofty heights of ‘posteriordom’.
Pippa isn’t one of us, I know, and so you may not be particularly interested in her posterior, especially since we in Africa probably wouldn’t acknowledge that she has one, at least, not a note worthy one. I mean, down here at the tip of Africa we know a posterior, and I’m talking derrieres so remarkable as to be deserving of their own alliteration. What we have in Africa is the ‘Ample Animate Aft’.
So now they are advertising eloctronic charges to the Gluteus Maximus and Gluteus medius, which gives you ‘bottom uplift’ if you do it every day for 30 minutes a day for six weeks. It looks to replace afternoon tea as the new British national ‘thang’. In fact, one could possibly do both tea and ass upliftment at the same time. It gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘T & A’. Ladies who lunch, are about to be replaced by ladies who lift. It looks set to be the new chic pastime in London and surrounding areas. The advent of C & A – Cocktails and Ass Lift bars popping up everywhere.
The British rap star, Tinie Tempah, who is a black man, says that he prefers a bigger backside. You see, in the end it comes down to that doesn’t it? It’s practically an alliteration all of it’s own. ‘Black men like big bums’, and it’s just as well because black women got ‘em. Ok, not all of us, but……..we got ‘em.
Actually, here at the tip of Africa, I don’t know how acceptable it is to be talking about the tush. Would an African woman be flattered or complimented by the papers referring to her as the ‘ass du jour’. I don’t think so. It’s rude. We don’t talk about those things. It’s considered disrespectful. In fact, I think there is a cultural and constitutional caveat pertaining to public discourse on the subject of the merits and demerits of an African female’s fanny. It simply isn’t allowed. Such things are whispered about in corners over beer among men of questionable sexual intent.
But the Brits are different. Did you know that Pippa’s posterior has a facebook page? It does, Pippa’s posterior has it’s own facebook fan page. It’s called the ‘Pippa Middleton Ass Appreciation Society’. Go to facebook. Go see. Its extraordinary! The facebook page has a quarter of a million likes. Imagine!
One facebooker said of Pippa’s posterior ‘that butt is bang-tidy’. It took me a while, but I get it now. ‘Bang-tidy’. Another made a distinction between ‘an ass’ and ‘booty’. Pippa has an ass. We, in Africa, apparently, have booty. And there is a picture of a guy licking a picture of Pippa’s posterior in a newspaper. Yes, they’re a funny old lot, the Brits.