The Indian Red Debacle on SAA

Has anyone been on an aeroplane lately? It’s such a hassle it’s almost not worth it.  Domestic flights are bad enough, but have you tried going to another country?  Hellsbells, it’s a challenge.  Personally, I think our lives and travels will all be made much easier and more comfortable if someone up there in airline land heaven would just take a deep breath and get a firm grip.

Since 9/11 they have gone security crazy.  They snatch your perfume on the way to the plane.  Has that happened to you?  I had to argue to keep my Chanel.  It was a 100ml and I completely forgot it was in my bag.  I carry a big bag with lots of necessities in it.   So the bottle was a Chanel Coco 100ml, but it was half empty.  Is there no one who is allowed to use his or her brains in these situations? Is it likely that I’m gonna waste Coco eau de parfum on knocking down an aeroplane?  And if I really did want to do that, I could buy another one in the duty free shop, couldn’t I?  I could knock down any plane with half the stuff they sell in the duty free shop, so what are they bothering me for?  And have you seen what a bottle of Coco costs?  Are they mad?

I kept my Coco, but they made me put it in a plastic bag in order to keep it.  What the hell difference does that make?  It’s a plastic bag.  Ah well, whatever!

They make you take off your shoes, so if your socks are full of holes people are going to see.  I’ve seen some unsightly socks, and badly un-pedicured feet emerge from pretty fancy designer footwear at the gateway to departure.  One’s body care secrets are publicly exposed. It’s embarrassing.  I heard that they are now scanning the body so that your nakedness under clothes is revealed.  What an intrusion. It’s horrible.

I’m suggesting to everyone that they get a good bikini wax before flying.  They’ll soon be checking your pubic hair for microchips.  You’ll be better off if you simply don’t have any.  It’s getting very bad.

I know what it’s all about. The world and all we innocents in it must be made insane now that the G8 nations have been made paranoid.  I suppose it’s possible that there’s an Al Qaeda threat in every tube of hand cream over 50ml.  But what’s the probability?   Even the bottle of mineral water that you are pouring down your throat  as you approach the plane is a threat.  The fact that you are drinking it and it isn’t killing you, in their minds doesn’t mean that it won’t explode the plane the minute the seatbelt light goes on so you may not take it on board.

I was on a plane not so long ago.  My nail polish was a little chipped.  I was being met by someone quite delectable on the other side and wanted to look perfect, so I thought I’d attend to the fact that my nails needed a touch up of red.  Where better to do your little touch up than on the plane, right?  What else are you gonna do?  The trolly dolly came over and told me I’m not allowed to paint my nails on the plane.  Naturally I asked, ‘why’?   ‘Because nail polish is flammable’.  She said.  I asked her if she carried alcohol on board.  Guess what? She does;  trays of it, which she wheels up and down that isle and offers to even the most dubious looking characters.  Now if you want to talk flammable, how about that brandy.  I’ll bet a few bottles of that could flambé this plane very efficiently.

The trolly dolly was a little flumuxed by my reasoning so she went off to find her boss.  The boss came over and with nose held high as if in response to a nasty odour, told me that it is against some or other regulation for me to be painting my nails on the plane.  I again enquired ‘why?’  He told me the story about the flammable and etcetera, and I told him my story of the flambé and etcetera.  There was a little bit of a stare down.

In the end it came down to one question.  Is it at all likely that anyone in this lifetime or the next has ever or will ever even for a moment think of hijacking an aeroplane with a bottle of Dior Indian Red?

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About Tselane Tambo

I share myself in these desultory ramblings. It’s my thoughts and memories; some anecdotes and opinions. It’s an accidental autobiography. When you’ve meandered through these pages you’ll be within reach of a little piece of me. Thank you for dropping by.
This entry was posted in Nocturnal Ramblings of a Mind Unplugged. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to The Indian Red Debacle on SAA

  1. arthurcharlesvanwyk says:

    Hi Tselane.

    Great Post.

    I commented on your Facebook post about the blog.. which is how I hopped over to read and leave this comment. As in m Facebook comment, you need to get your own domain to do this blogging thing effectively. I offered my assistance in getting this done. OK.. with that out the way.

    Last year I flew my family down to Cape Town for my mom’s 74th birthday, and they confiscated my shoe polish at King Shaka International… I mean a small tin of KIWI.. how much harm can it do even after they’ve scanned it to see if anything is concealed underneath all that blackness.

    Here’s the funny part. I have been moving around with a stanley knife and an okapi-like knife – I used to eat peaches during summer and occasionally biltong as well – in my bag for a few months now. On 12 May 2011 I took the same bag with me to Cape Town for the one day Netprophet seminar without thinking about removing the two knives. I was so oblivious to the knives being in the bag I just flung it on the conveyor at King Shaka International. Nothing. It was only on my way back to Durban that the security personnel at Cape Town INternational asked me to open the bag cos of suspicious looking shapes on the scanned image of the bag. I opened it, they confiscated my knives and that was it. This at Cape Town International.

    So my question is this: “How come the guys at King Shaka could find and take my shoe polish away but not my two knives?

    • Hahahaha! Someone needed some shoe polish. So I must get my own domain, must I? But will it have all the bells and whistles that I get here on wordpress? I’m no webmaster, I can confess that quite confidently. Why can’t i get famous here?

  2. arthurcharlesvanwyk says:

    The truth is that online all roads lead to Google, and Google indexes your domain to render you findable and thereby widely read. Without your own domain you will always be indexed as a subdomain to wordpress, which only boosts the Googlejuice of WordPress and not Tselane Tambo. No need to be a webmaster either. You don’t fix your own electricity or plumbing – do you?

  3. Pat says:

    last time I flew out of JFK, the man who was “manning” the x ray machine at security was TEXTING…I told him
    “really?….are you seriously texting?”…..he paused and then tried to justify it…typical…immature response…
    I did not report him, he would have lost h is job, maybe he deserved to lose it…I just didn’t want to be the one to do that to anyone…
    …later…I’m stressed to the max having just made this 6 am flight with 4 teenagers in tow…had to leave my home at 4 :30 am…I’m trying to calm down and nap while waiting for the plane to take off….then…the adult man sitting next to me on the flight had to be told 4 times by 3 different busy stewardesses to turn off his cell phone…he was texting and holding onto his phone like it was his “security blankie”…I tried to give him some advice to just turn it off….he became argumentative and started to rant at me that ” people who didn’t mind their own business should be killed”….he was politely but firmly kicked off the flight…hello?? It was heartbreaking …
    By 10 am I needed a glass of wine to chill out…it ‘s a busy nutty world out there…and flying has become more stressful than ever…

  4. Edem Foli says:

    I had a good chuckle to myself while reading this. I have also had my fair share experiences on flights and customs. From being asked questions about cake to bottled water to habenero sauce and also a similar perfume experience.

  5. kirunaidoo says:

    Hilarious! Beautiful turn of phrase. Trolley dollies – and I thought beef or chicken was funny!

  6. wisey says:

    Looooooooooool, what a good read Tselane. I have had pretty awful experiences at the boarding gates too,just last year I was compelled to leave my bottle of Nacisco Redruguez( and it costs an arm and a leg, lol) luckily my sister wasn’t flying so she took it with her, she so wanted it badly futile stupid things like these that happen at Airports, as for the nail polish wow Tselane good reasoning! Those gallons of alcohol on board air planes are ten times more flammable than a little innocent bottle of nail polish.

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