Has anyone been on an aeroplane lately? It’s such a hassle it’s almost not worth it. Domestic flights are bad enough, but have you tried going to another country? Hellsbells, it’s a challenge. Personally, I think our lives and travels will all be made much easier and more comfortable if someone up there in airline land heaven would just take a deep breath and get a firm grip.
Since 9/11 they have gone security crazy. They snatch your perfume on the way to the plane. Has that happened to you? I had to argue to keep my Chanel. It was a 100ml and I completely forgot it was in my bag. I carry a big bag with lots of necessities in it. So the bottle was a Chanel Coco 100ml, but it was half empty. Is there no one who is allowed to use his or her brains in these situations? Is it likely that I’m gonna waste Coco eau de parfum on knocking down an aeroplane? And if I really did want to do that, I could buy another one in the duty free shop, couldn’t I? I could knock down any plane with half the stuff they sell in the duty free shop, so what are they bothering me for? And have you seen what a bottle of Coco costs? Are they mad?
I kept my Coco, but they made me put it in a plastic bag in order to keep it. What the hell difference does that make? It’s a plastic bag. Ah well, whatever!
They make you take off your shoes, so if your socks are full of holes people are going to see. I’ve seen some unsightly socks, and badly un-pedicured feet emerge from pretty fancy designer footwear at the gateway to departure. One’s body care secrets are publicly exposed. It’s embarrassing. I heard that they are now scanning the body so that your nakedness under clothes is revealed. What an intrusion. It’s horrible.
I’m suggesting to everyone that they get a good bikini wax before flying. They’ll soon be checking your pubic hair for microchips. You’ll be better off if you simply don’t have any. It’s getting very bad.
I know what it’s all about. The world and all we innocents in it must be made insane now that the G8 nations have been made paranoid. I suppose it’s possible that there’s an Al Qaeda threat in every tube of hand cream over 50ml. But what’s the probability? Even the bottle of mineral water that you are pouring down your throat as you approach the plane is a threat. The fact that you are drinking it and it isn’t killing you, in their minds doesn’t mean that it won’t explode the plane the minute the seatbelt light goes on so you may not take it on board.
I was on a plane not so long ago. My nail polish was a little chipped. I was being met by someone quite delectable on the other side and wanted to look perfect, so I thought I’d attend to the fact that my nails needed a touch up of red. Where better to do your little touch up than on the plane, right? What else are you gonna do? The trolly dolly came over and told me I’m not allowed to paint my nails on the plane. Naturally I asked, ‘why’? ‘Because nail polish is flammable’. She said. I asked her if she carried alcohol on board. Guess what? She does; trays of it, which she wheels up and down that isle and offers to even the most dubious looking characters. Now if you want to talk flammable, how about that brandy. I’ll bet a few bottles of that could flambé this plane very efficiently.
The trolly dolly was a little flumuxed by my reasoning so she went off to find her boss. The boss came over and with nose held high as if in response to a nasty odour, told me that it is against some or other regulation for me to be painting my nails on the plane. I again enquired ‘why?’ He told me the story about the flammable and etcetera, and I told him my story of the flambé and etcetera. There was a little bit of a stare down.
In the end it came down to one question. Is it at all likely that anyone in this lifetime or the next has ever or will ever even for a moment think of hijacking an aeroplane with a bottle of Dior Indian Red?