I’ve been doing a recap of this year and making myself cry actual tears born of complete heart-soreness. There has been a lot of anguish this year. I wrote the details of it, but I can’t bear my soul publicly. Maybe in a few years time, when I’ve recovered, I’ll share those details in a scintillating memoir. It’s the gory, sordid, painful, dramatic details that are the really juicy ones are they not? They make for a good read.
Who wants to read that someone else’s life is fantastic? No one wants to read that. It’s not entertaining. So, I wonder if people will be happy to know that this year has not been fantastic for me. In fact, it has been quite the contrary. People want to read about abuse, betrayals, devastating loss and crushing disappointments. This year has contained all of the above for me, and more. Jeez, it’s a wonder that I’m still standing. But I am still standing. I expect to go one standing. But then, expectation has proved to be an emotional faux pas, so perhaps I am best served letting go of expectation, too.
Do you remember that song by Seal, ‘Don’t Cry’. I think of that song. It feels so poignant to me. No, I’m not going to list the lyrics here. It’s online if you’re interested. Anyway, I feel that song right now, and it makes me cry. In fact, too many things make me cry and while I’m crying I know that I’m not even crying about the thing that made me cry. It’s deeper than that. I’m crying from a place that I cannot possibly dare to access. It’s a new place that entered me this year.
“Illigitimi non carburundum” they used to say at school. It’s Latin. It means, “Don’t let the bastards grind you down”. It’s a motto to live by.
So, let’s forget about recapping and taking stock of last year. The best thing about 2011 is that it is over. Let it go and don’t look back.
Look forward. Look forward to 2012 and 2013 and make them better years. That’s the theory. It comes from some strange idea that we have always been comfortable believing that from one day to the next things change. On Saturday it’s 2011. On Sunday it’s 2012 and because of that everything will be different, better, improved. The pain you felt on Saturday will still be there on Sunday. But, because it’s a new year we have renewed hope. Perhaps it’s irrational hope, but at least it’s hope. Another motto to live by is “Keep Hope Alive”.