My Vagina Says………

“Vagina brightening cream?  What?  I’ve just seen an ad for Vagina Brightening Cream.   It was an ad from India.  I’m aghast.  Why would anyone need to brighten their vagina?  Let’s not forget that India gave us the Karma Surta.  I have always thought that Indian men must know more than other men about the vagina.  Isn’t the Karma Sutra a set book in schools over there?  An Indian man has never been attracted to me, so I don’t know.  I’ve just always assumed.

Is this cream an attack on the vagina?  People have surgery down there to make it look pretty, so I guess a little lightening can’t hurt.  I’ve never thought about this.  I’m figuring it out as I ramble on.

Who was it that sat down in the manufacturers production meeting and announced to all assembled that the thing that women of colour need is to lighten their vaginas?  Was it a woman?  Was she sitting, one day, legs a-kimbo, mirror in hand and had a lightbulb moment ‘this here needs lightening’?  Or was it a man who was at play down there and as he looked at it had a revelation ‘what women need is a cream to lighten things up around here’?

I feel sure it must have been a well waxed vagina.  Is it not pretty enough with the hair removed?  If not let us know because, frankly, we don’t go through all that for our own comfort.  It’s for them.  Is it possible that men could be so ungrateful for the pain suffered by women for their pleasure?  Who am I kidding?  It’s not just possible, it’s probable.

You see the problems we create for ourselves.  We were all once perfectly happy with fannies as hairy as the day the good Lord conceived them; now look at us.  We wax it, we put rings on it, we make it tasty, we shake it, we work it, we tighten it, and now we need to lighten it? Haibo!  After all that we women do to make the fanny a fabulous experience for all involved, someone needs to say, ‘It’s perfect just the way it is’ because they enjoy it.  Would they enjoy it more if it were lightened?  Would it perform differently?   Anyone who has ever had a hard time getting her man to look up from there knows that if he wants to like it more than he likes it already, then she has a problem.

There’s a line from the play “The Vagina Monologues’, it’s one of my favourite parts of the play  “My vagina is a flower, a eccentric tulip, the centre acute and deep, the scent delicate, the petals gentle and sturdy”.  Isn’t that a beautiful, gentle and sensual description of the vagina?  I love it.  This vagina brightening cream suggests a whole other vagina story.  It suggests that the vagina is a dark ugly place that needs cream to brighten it up, but how do you brighten a flower?  How do you lighten a tulip? How do you solve a problem like an opaque poonaanee?

On a more militant note; are we not tired of being told that parts of our bodies need altering?  Do we not do enough to ourselves?  You get your hair done, your Mani Pedi, your facial, your Botox, your teeth, your pap smear, your willy wax, your eyebrow shaping, you make up, your gym, your wardrobe consultations (euphemism for shopping), did I leave anything out?  Now you must fit in a fanny lightening.  It’s too bloody much!

Some of us go for boob jobs and liposuction and all sorts.  Damn!  We do all this to look as the world dictates that we should look to be acceptable. Then they come with vagina brightening, because Lord forbid that once you have been through all of the above in the name of looking and, more importantly, feeling beautiful, they shouldn’t come up with some other thing to make you feel imperfect.  Your vagina is too dark.  Too dark for what?  Too dark for who?

In The Vagina Monologues, it says: –


In other words, my Vagina says,  “Sod Off”!”   


About Tselane Tambo

I share myself in these desultory ramblings. It’s my thoughts and memories; some anecdotes and opinions. It’s an accidental autobiography. When you’ve meandered through these pages you’ll be within reach of a little piece of me. Thank you for dropping by.
This entry was posted in Nocturnal Ramblings of a Mind Unplugged. Bookmark the permalink.

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