I GOT MAIL!


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I really didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what response to have. Should I be furious or embarrassed or something? I was just somewhat baffled a little bewildered. Should I have been insulted? It is disrespectful, isn’t it? I know its intention wasn’t disrespect. Its intention was a ribald invitation. It failed. He misjudged me. I’m not that person.

I did ask him why he’d sent it. He said he wanted to make me smile. I feel a little sorry for this foolish, ill bred, clueless individual who thought it would make me smile. Would he smile if I sent a picture of my vagina to his email? I suspect he would. Mostly, I just didn’t and don’t understand.

How does one react when a man who one has never met; who one has only spoken to via email and on a social network sends a picture of his penis? Why would anyone do that? Who does he think he’s sending it to? Did I ever even vaguely indicate that I would appreciate receiving something like that? Of course not. We’d talked about him sending my brochure to his clients. He’s in executive recruitment. He’s a head hunter. I consult on image and etiquette. He contacted me via Linkdin. He asked if we could be friends. How imagesdo you say no to that request? It’s email friendship, I thought. What harm? Oh but I’m naïve.  He said he’d had a crush on me when I was on TV.  I gave it no thought. I’m not on TV now. So you can imagine how this was a bolt from out of the blue. Where did he get such an idea? Has he no self-respect? Is this a measure of the respect, or lack that he has for me? Is this what a crush on a face on TV yields? I find it totally incomprehensible. Isn’t it against the law? If it’s not, why is it not?

There was a toilet bowl, seat raised as a background to the picture. The Penis was in the foreground. So he went to have a pee, thought of me and decided to take a picture for my benefit while he was at it? What thought process brought him to that point? Was he having a pee or was he spanking it and thinking of me? Eeek!   And what did he think I was going to do with the picture? There can’t be a usual response to receiving a picture like this. Surely it’s an unusual thing to have happen.

I haven’t even met this guy.   Now, I don’t think I ever will meet him. This is why I don’t respond to people who contact me on social networks and want to meet. You don’t know what kind of sexual deviant sociopath you’re going to encounter. It’s not worth it.

What ever happened to sending flowers if you imagine yourself in love? Am I old fashioned? Is emailing a picture of a bunch of beautiful flowers outdated?   Is that prosaic? Or sending a poem by Don Matera or Pablo Neruda. That would be sweet. It would suggest some finesse. The Penis is a bludgeoning. The penis is so violent. It doesn’t speak of love. It speaks of extreme aberrancy.  It’s incredibly crass.

This man had invited me to pick him up at his house and take him to dinner because his pay cheque was small. Can you imagine such a thing? A man you’ve never met and with whom you have communicated only on email and whatsapp wants to meet you, so he invites  you to pick him up from his house and take him to dinner? On what planet does he reside? And when you refuse he sends you a picture of his penis, because obviously on receiving that you’d be at his door with your knickers around your ankles within minutes.

A picture, they say, is worth a thousand words. This picture was worth three letters. WTF? I searched myself for feelings. I had none. I thought I should feel insulted, affronted, horrified. I should recoil in shock, but I didn’t. I was unmoved except for a little bewildered voice inside that asked. “Why would he send me this”? Perhaps I was in shock.

It wasn’t sexy. It wasn’t exciting. Perhaps, I thought, if it had been one that I’d experienced. Perhaps if I’d had a relationship with it I might have been excited. But I don’t think so. I think if The Lavah had ever emailed me a picture of his penis I’d have assumed he’d completely lost his mind.

Does this guy look at dubious websites? Does he read dirty books? Is that where he got the inspiration? What is it about me that made him think that I would enjoy such a thing? I’d had no lewd conversations with him. He’d sent me an email saying ‘I have something for you’. He asked if he could email it. I said yes email it. Imagine my surprise. There was a note with the picture. The note said, “Do you want to taste it”? I thought, “No thanks”. And I closed the picture not to give it further thought until the next day when it, again, came into view.

I showed it to a girlfriend. She studied it for a few seconds, and said. “It’s big”. Then, like teenagers, we both packed up laughing.images

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About Tselane Tambo

I share myself in these desultory ramblings. It’s my thoughts and memories; some anecdotes and opinions. It’s an accidental autobiography. When you’ve meandered through these pages you’ll be within reach of a little piece of me. Thank you for dropping by.
This entry was posted in Nocturnal Ramblings of a Mind Unplugged. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to I GOT MAIL!

  1. kwakhehla says:

    Hilarious! Oops. I should say shocking. I think WTF? covers it pretty well, as you put it. Very entertaining blog. It highlights that we live in a diverse world. But on further reflection, firstly it is sad that a young man’s development is so arrested by the size of his penis that he thinks he has has nothing else going for him. He is projecting (selling) the only thing he thinks he has that is worthwhile. Secondly it is sad that his prostitution obviously finds welcoming recipients, otherwise he would not be doing this. Do we blame the median for promoting the Ben10 concept or do we blame society for not providing longer-term development opportunities (such as appropriate education and skill training)? His failure is our failure, one could argue. Depressing. But a delightful column with suitable vegetable anomaly illustrations to lighten the weekend ahead (before the winter cold strikes home with a vengeance). Nice one Tsee!

    • It’s a problem, hey. You’re right. He thinks that’s what he has to sell. Ugh! To be a young woman today. I’ll take my men as gentlemen, thanks. Old fashioned values still work.

  2. kymmyw says:

    I wonder what his company would think of that behaviour? Absolutely revolting behaviour, like the man I witnessed spit in the face of a young woman who rebuked his unwanted advances this morning.

    • There’s a problem in our society, isn’t there. Young men are clueless about women and what it takes to attract one. They have no idea how to pursue a lady. We should all be there to be grabbed. I feel sorry for young women. At least among the men of my age one still finds gentlemen.

      • kymmyw says:

        WTF indeed, who does things like that and you wonder what maturity level you are dealing with? Not to be alarmist but just be careful, he sounds a little unhinged.

        I was absolutely horrified at the incident this morning and hooted and shouted at him but all I got back was a bleary stare of someone either high or drunk, or both. All she was doing was walking to work, smartly dressed and this horrible, scruffy looking man was harassing her and she clearly told him to leave her alone. I watched him follow her and hurl abuse at her and then he spat in her face, absolutely disgusting.

  3. Unhinged is a good way of putting it. This is a lifetime first. I’d feel completely violated if I was in the position of the woman you saw this morning. MY Mum used to say “God of Africa, bless my soul”. I’d be saying that now. Instead I’ll say “God of Africa, bless her soul”.

  4. kymmyw says:

    Oh and also, what is up with asking you to fetch him AND buy him dinner. I would have dropped off a Happy Meal.

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